Gaming Flashback
Vintage PC Gaming & Memory Management

 
After enduring countless badgering sessions from my lady friend, I finally relented this past weekend and agreed to clean up her computer.  Mind you I am not a selfish person, but she is rather "download" happy and I was relatively sure this stint was not going to be a quick enema of the Startup menu.  Sad to say, I was not disappointed.

After adjusting her desk chair for normal human use (she is only 5' tall), I proceeded to fire up her PC and was greeted (after 5 minutes of boot time) with a plethora of system tray icons - 18 in total!  Her system was so crippled and memory starved that ToolTips displayed after a 20 second delay.  Needless to say I was disgusted by this mess, but at the same time rather invigorated by the challenge of freeing up precious RAM for this abused Compaq Presario.  The task at hand reminded me of the old days when memory management and PC gaming went hand-in-hand.
 

 
I bought my first personal computer back in 1989, an IBM PC compatible Packard Bell 386. This set me back $1,689 and truly had me living on white bread and generic peanut butter for the entire 12 month financing period. I didn't care - PC Gaming (at that time) blew away anything that was available on the consoles. I assumed that software for this new device would be basically like their console counterparts (plug-n-play), just with vastly superior graphics and game play.  I dove into this technological pool head first with eager anticipation.  My exuberance quickly changed to one of confusion after installing my first game, Quest for Glory I: So You Want To Be A Hero.  Upon typing in the executable command (there were no menus back then), I was greeted with the DOS text message: "Insufficient memory to perform requested operation", quickly followed by:

Just like a blank Word document is to an author with writer's block, this flashing prompt was intimidating to say the least.  To this computing nubile, this was the modern day equivalent of the Windows Blue Screen of Death.  I had no idea how to respond to that relentless blinking cursor.  A lesson was quickly learned while I blankly stared at the monochrome display: a certain proficiency in the abstruse DOS language would be required if I wanted to partake in PC Gaming.

You have to remember that Windows (or Mac/Linux/etc.) was not a standard in 1989 - it was basically DOS. There were no memory optimization programs at the time. You were left to your own devices to configure the allocation of this precious resource known as RAM.  There was but one method available to monitor this critical component - the beloved MEM command (sample shown below).

The key for early PC Gaming was to free as much Conventional Memory as possible, while ensuring that you still loaded your various device drivers (mouse, CD drive, sound card, etc.).  This was accomplished by the editing of two critical system files - Autoexec.bat and Config.sys.  Let me tell you, this was not an easy task and was basically a trial and error procedure.  I won't bore you with the details, but for nostalgic purposes and as a tribute to us old farts here is a sample screen shot.

Basically it became a game of Tetris while you juggled various commands/drivers into the High Memory Area to relieve the strain on the core resources of the system for applications.  This "Quest for Memory" became almost an obsession during the era of vintage PC gaming.  I vividly remember the first time I was able to get my Conventional Memory above the magical 600KB threshold - man was I stoked!!

Though it is true that managing RAM is just as important in today's modern age of PC Gaming, I can't really say that I received the same level of satisfaction once I got done lobotomizing my lady friend's computer.  Sure, I was happy with the end result but it did not resonate the pure joy that accompanied like accomplishments back in the day.

After this past weekend, I am glad that this mundane task is not as arduous as it once was.  That being said, the pure adrenaline rush that I experienced in finally being able to fire up Quest for Glory will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Thanks for taking a trip down the PC Gaming memory lane with me.

What are your fond memories of vintage PC Gaming?

No Soup For You!!!

 
As I grow more experienced in life (a.k.a. get old), I find myself becoming less patient and accommodating for daily idiocies that I once blew off without a moment's thought. I'm a pretty easy going guy, but there are quite a few things that are truly beginning to torque me off.

   o Clueless dolts talking on their cell phone in the check-out line at CVS
   o The Fire Sauce Gestapo at the Taco Bell drive through window
   o Two foot long receipt for my $0.99 Tic-Tacs purchase
   o Idiots taking up three spots because they don't know how to parallel park
   o My lady friend for making me sit through the Housewives of New York City

When it comes to video gaming, there is one specific pet peeve of mine that is really starting to get my BP fluctuating as of late - the "No Soup For You!!" attitude of game developers. Let me explain.
 

 
Like most gamers, I follow certain series and can't wait for the next release. I'd like to think of myself as an investor in these franchises - without forking down my hard-earned coin for their games there would never be any sequel.  So what do I get in return for my loyalty, financial backing and continued support? You guessed it - usually NOTTA.

There are some exceptions to the rule, but for the most part very few titles in the post 16-bit era allow you to import data from your previous adventure/season/etc. I am not necessarily looking to start off a new gaming venture with my super-human character from a last installment - that would basically ruin the new game experience/fun. But I admit I do want a little "sumthin-sumthin". Give me some bad-ass sword, first pick in the draft, a special mission, whatever. Recognize that I am a loyal follower of your series (as well as a suido-shareholder).

I am happy to see new game releases like Mass Effect 2 that will actually take notice and compensate me for beefing up my Shephard in ME1.  In my humble opinion, the employment of this "thanks for your loyalty" programming strategy should be the rule rather than the exception.

There is no excuse why developers can't show us some love for our continued patronage of their respective gaming series. With today's technology and expanded media formats, they can surely squeeze in a few 0's and 1's to at least recognize our past efforts. It's bad enough that my wallet is getting brutalized like a contestant on Hell's Kitchen for DLC and the like. Throw me a bone (extra lives, cool outfit, a retro car, etc.) - I have earned it!!!

Give me my soup!!

The Quest For Glory series allowed me to import and grow Gabriel, my Paladin who dished out more pain than a 24 hour dentist.

Suikoden II did it the best (regarding importing data), rewarding players by being able to welcome back old friends.
 

The Diversity of Gamer Breeds

   
The level of enjoyment of any multi-player gaming experience is heavily dependant upon your fellow gamers.  Whether it be teaming with a bud in a co-op couch game of Contra or joining an online bout with hundreds of unnamed souls in Worlds of Warcraft, it still boils down to the same  - are the people you are interacting with cool?

This was never so evident to me after the massacre I stomached during my recent online gaming experience (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2).   Gamers come in all shapes and sizes as well as dispositions.  This mirrors the varied communal landscapes that we respectively reside within.  The diversity of the players truly make the gaming experience, but let's face it - they are those that we would be A-OK to never see or hear from again.

The following pokes a little fun at the each of these types by describing the pros/cons of playing with them.
   

o Pretty affable and easy to get along with
o They are always encouraging even if you suck

Pros

o Their good teamwork can really rock the score
o Sometimes their bantering can be humorous

o Tend to get on your nerves rather quickly
o Talks way too much during a gaming session

Cons

o Can have a self-driven, elitist mentality
o Slow to make a decision - no alpha wolf present

The Overly Charged
a.k.a. The Cry Baby

The Night of the Living Dead
a.k.a. Catatonics 'R Us

o They'll definitely keep the team objective focused
o No question as to what they are thinking/feeling

Pros

o Good team players and receives direction well
o Doesn't clutter the airwaves with useless musings

o Easy to throw off their game with a little goading
o Constant whining is akin to that of a 9 year old

Cons

o Hard to tell if they are even alive and breathing
o They are about as much fun as a 24-hour Dentist

o These achievement whores will carry your team
o Will take 'point' on difficult tasks/objectives

o Goes with the flow - never makes waves
o Open for any variation of the game, at any time

o I Am An Island (they don't really care about you)
o Most are basically egocentrically a-holes

o Sloooow player... this isn't chess holmes!
o Easily loses focus while admiring game scenery

o Always nice hearing a sexy sounding female voice
o Gets imagination thinking it might be Jessica Alba

o This guy is a riot to play with when not puking
o Easy to send in as the sacrificial guinea pig

o Unnecessarily distracts your hard-up teammates
o Jessica Alba is NEVER on the other end of the mic

o Leaves the game every 5 minutes for munchies
o Asks many questions; forgets own name allot

o Juggles multiple team assignments well
o Pretty OK when changing games

o Fun to rile them up - easy target for verbal abuse
o Hmmm... I honestly can't think of anything else

o Usually never knows what the heck is going on
o Spends time dicking around instead of playing

o Always making excuses and blaming others
o Basically they are a pain in the ass

None, unless you are are looking for...
o ...a history lesson on games like PONG
o ...a true Alpha Wolf to make decisions (j/k pups)

None, unless they are your kid and can have them...
o ...fetch your favorite beverage during a session
o ...set you up for life by winning game tourneys

o Leaves game every 5 minutes for the bathroom
o They ARE the 24-Hour dentist
o Basically sum of Cons above, just a bit different

o They don't even have to try to beat you
o You will never be as good as they are at age 10
o Trash talk, show-boating, etc.  Need I go on???

 
What Other Gaming Types Did I Miss??
Which One(s) Would You Consider Yourself?
 

   
Obviously this writing plays upon some common stereotypes and associated personality quirks.  We all have our unique peccadilloes and probably can honestly pick a few of the Pros / Cons from the various types depicted above. Special thanks to the anonymous pictured in the above public domain pictures featured in this article for allowing us to have a little fun.
 

The Online Gaming Leveler
 
The Answer To Being Competitive in Today's Virtual World
 

 
My little brother (age 35) has been pestering me for months to get with the times and pick up a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I was extremely hesitant - getting beat on like a piñata by a group of 'any' year olds is not my idea of a fun time. He promised that I could ease into it with the help of his online posse (team CoDa). I reluctantly agreed and picked up a copy this past weekend.

Once logging in and becoming acquainted with my new 'squad', I have to admit that I was feeling rather stoked! "I love the smell of napalm in the morning...  Smells like...  victory" kept playing over and over in my head. With my newly found confidence, I marched proudly alongside my Band of Brothers onto the virtual battlefield. The action was furious, explosions were breathtaking and the adrenaline rush I experienced was one of the best I have had in quite some time. The end result:

Of course I knew the upcoming verbal assault I was about to endure would dwarf the shellacking that ‘earned’ me those numbers. They did not disappoint – the comments were fired out at a rate to rival the M240 machine gun. My personal favorite: "Dude, no offense, but are you 'special' or something?". After taking my medicine like a man (much like the round after round of head shots I recently absorbed), I quietly exited the PS3 playground to console myself. I am no match at all for today's gamers.
 

 
Being an older gamer (43), I fully accept and understand that I will not be able to master any of the newer titles due to my limited time resources. However, I would like to think that I could at least be somewhat competitive and not be viewed as 'dead money' every time I enter the virtual arena. There has to be a way to level the playing field for the old guard.

I am extremely analytical and attempted to statistically dissect this (a.k.a. my own futility). Here are the results:

 
Statistical Sample Size = 1 (me)

As is clearly evident from the above, I just can not keep up with the ever increasing number of Controller Action Buttons (and associated combos). This button escalation mirrors the expansion of the general obligations and responsibilities in my life. The net result of these two corresponding phenomenon equates to less time for gaming for us old farts. I don't know about you, but being the glutton of punishment every time I venture into an online gaming session is not my Cup o' Joe. Fear not grey beards, a solution does exist - the Online Gaming Leveler (OGL). Here is how it works:

(	Total Hours Gaming Per Week	)	=	OGL
	(Age) X (# of Controller Buttons)

The OGL is a percentage that is used as a multiplier against the maximum level for a certain game statistic (i.e. Health Points).  Basically, this provides a handicap for the less experienced player (blue hairs and casual gamers).  The following table will demonstrate this in action:

I arbitrarily chose 1,000 as the being the Maximum Health Points for the example in the table above.  I used a variety of ages to compare the control group (me) to show how the OGL formula works.  I am sure you will agree that the advantage of having 16.42% more Health Points than the Young Buck would have at least assisted me in being more competitive.  On the other hand, I should give a bit to Da' Old Man since he doesn't play that often and he truly is older than dirt.

This same OGL modifier can be applied to a variety of game statistics to further even the playing field:

• +/- Amount of Gold achieved from victories (Action RPGs)

• +/- Experience gained per kill (RPGs)

• +/- Number of bullets in your standard ammo clip (FPS)

• +/- Rate of speed of incoming objects (all genres)

• +/- Number of Ships\Lives (Shmups)

• +/- Time to make a play call (sports)

Here is what the sample game screenshot would look like with OGL being implemented:

Yes, this article is somewhat of parody and just my way of venting a bit after the trouncing I recently endured.  But then again, go ahead and try out the formula - it does work with most scenarios.  Click Here for the worksheet for you to play around with. 

I am a normal guy.  I don't kid myself thinking I am the sharpest pair of skates on the ice, but on the other hand I know that I am not a dullard (contrary to the comments made after my CoD MF 2 debacle).  I have responsibilities and the like that severely deters the time I can invest in my passion (gaming).  If the OGL system were in place, I might have been a playa this past weekend instead of the beaten farm animal.

But in all honestly, I think my lady friend hit the nail on the head after she read this article prior to being published.  She said that OGL was not really an abbreviation for the Online Gaming Leveler.  It was really just my way of coping with middle age - Old Guy Logic.

I always knew there was something I didn't like about her.
   

Humorous Gaming Lessons:
The Results of Lending

 
Like any other gamer or collector, I take great pride in the preservation of the spoils of war that reside in my Room of Doom. I do not loan out my games to just anyone. I made the unfortunate mistake of including my brother in my extremely limited 'circle of trust'.

Halo: Combat Evolved was our game of choice when it came to head-to head battle. After years of beating on him like a farm animal, I reluctantly lent him my copy to allow him time to refine his skills. Three years later while celebrating my niece's birthday at his home this past month, he presented to me the following:

Brutal, just plain brutal - that is all I have to say about the above picture, though it is still CIB in a somewhat masochistic way.  Of course my brother apologized for the condition, albeit chuckling heavily during the entire time of his 'remorseful' delivery. I present to you now the villains (both of whom reek of guilt), who happened to be sitting just to the right of us during this exchange:

I have to admit that my brother used his time wisely when he basically annexed this game from my collection. We eventually fired this up that evening and I received the beating of a lifetime. The can of 'whop-ass' he released on me dwarfed the abuse that I had once imparted upon him.
 

Lesson 1 --> Don't lend your games out to people who share a household with the villains (or like) pictured above.
Lesson 2 --> Beating on your little brother is always fun. Why risk losing that opportunity and loan him a game?