Humor: Halo: A Completely Objective Analysis

HALO an objective analysis.

Now that Halo 3 has been out for exactly 17 minutes and we've already seen the epic simultaneous ejaculation of approximately 45692984u51 people who have never played a FPS with a mouse before, I thought a completely objective analysis of the series was in order.

But then I realized I'm incapable of being anything close to objective. So here's my dismissive and sardonic overview of the Halo series brimming with witty cynicism.

For a long time, Halo was the only good game on XBOX that wasn't also on PS2 or Gamecube or NES. Then Halo 2 came out and there were TWO good games on XBOX. Of course, this caused a dilemma for people like me who worked in the video game retail business at the time. People couldn't figure out how to put Halo 2 in the system. I had to explain to droves of fatasses, ages 14-29, that the XBOX has a “disc drive” in which you can place other games.

Sadly, I was unable to help the guy who glued the Halo disc into his system. He just kept saying “that part fell out once” over and over. Poor guy.

As it turned out, Halo 2 was actually somewhat inferior to Halo. I'm not sure why, because I never got to play it. Microsoft never ported it to PC, except as a reward for buying their shitty new operating system that people hate even more than their shitty old operating system. They did this for two reasons; A) They need to suck people into their next POSOP (Piece Of Shit Operating System) somehow, and B) Because the first Halo was a massive commercial failure on PC.

Why was Halo PC a massive commercial failure? It's simple. When you take the smartest kid in the retarded class and put him in with normal kids, he looks pretty dumb. What's that Halo? You can wipe yourself? That's my big boy! You're a superstar!

PC gaming is that normal class. Console gaming is kind of like the retarded class, but more ghetto and less intelligent. It's sort of like one of Cincinnati's inner-city schools. It's full of low-income minorities who do crystal meth and leave used condoms on the sidewalk. Halo can easily rocket to the top of the class there.

Half Life 2, stop showing your wee wee to the other boys!

In the world of PC first person shooters, where it's actually possible to do moderately important things like aim your gun, Halo is still the kid at the back of the room who just shit himself. Seriously, what is up with a game where the pistol is a better weapon than the assault rifle? It even has a longer range. What genius made that giant leap of logical ability?

So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.

So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.

So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.

So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.

So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.

Oh, oops. Did I just cut and past the same bland comment about Halo's level designs five times over again? Ah, the irony.

Then, of course, after you run through five or six of the most repetitive levels ever designed, you have to deal with the stock FPS zombie parasite monsters. This is getting ridiculous. These things are everywhere. Doom, Half-Life, Quake; it seems like every FPS on the planet has to try and surprise you with some kind of recycled parasitic monster zombie creatures. I was happy with the covenant. Those guys had personality. Then the Flood came out of nowhere and I realized more than ever I was just playing a Doom clone.

Ultimately, Halo sold so many copies that I ended up with two, and I don't even have an XBOX. Halo 2 sold more. Halo 3 will probably not sell so many. Why? It's on 360. There just aren't enough systems out there to pull the kind of numbers the first two managed, unless people buy extra copies for their summer homes (wink wink, Atari historians).

Since the ending has leaked on Youtube, my prediction is that Halo 3 will flop. People only play first person shooters for the storyline, and now we've already seen how it ends. For the record, (and this is safe to talk about now because the game has been out for 20 minutes already) the ending blows hard. It's like a four hour funeral sequence for the Master Chief. There isn't much else to it. That's pretty gay. It just lacks the kind of subtle character exposition of games like Unreal Tournament and Counterstrike.

Speaking of the Halo 3 release, where are Peter Moore's sweet tats for this one? I thought of a great place he could ink another ringworld logo.