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One man. Eight days. One darkened cable LED. Can he make it?
Last week I moved to a new house. Because AOL/Time Warner is the third most evil entity in the world, surpassed only by the Illuminati and Disney, I had to wait a week at my new house for the cable guy to come install the intarnetz. It was worse than Elie Wiesel's worst nightmare.
Outside work, I had to find things to do that didn't involve online connectivity. At first, it sounds easy, then the harsh reality kicks in and begins to eat at your soul. You don't remember what life was like before the intarnetz. It was horrible. I never want to go back. There is no Wikipedia to browse. There is no porn to download. There are no forums to troll. There is no RFGeneration.com - The Classic and Modern Gaming Database to wow your sensations. There is just nothing.
You know that part of the Bible right at the beginning; the part that's named after a Sega console? It's like before that part.
In order to keep myself from going completely insane I blew the dust off my Gamecube and plugged it in. I don't think I've played Gamecube since Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes came out. I happened to have a copy of Rogue Leader chilling in shrink wrap that I was saving for a rainy day, or a multi-tiered Hell of internetless savagery. I also have Halo and Mech Assault unopened and I don't even own an XBOX. Go figure.
So it turns out Rogue Leader is pretty much Rogue Squadron with better graphics. Even most of the levels are the same. It didn't matter. I kept playing it. When I got to something I couldn't figure out I went to my computer to look it up on Gamefaqs -only to remember that Gamefaqs is part of the intarnetz! AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then I tried watching TV. I learned a lot from TV. Did you know that Valtrex can help prevent the spread of genital herpes? Unfortunately, it does not protect against other sexually transmitted diseases. Also, you should avoid taking Valtrex if you have an advanced HIV infection. That's the part that gets me right there. If you have an advanced HIV infection, why are you having sex with people? The answer I came up with was that they already have HIV too, but then why do they care if they get genital herpes? I'm pretty sure that's a drop in the bucket if you already have the gay cancer.
I learned quickly that the only thing worth watching on terrestrial television during the summer months is COPS. Sadly, COPS is only on once a day. This angers me. COPS has been on for like 20 years now. It was the first (and only good) reality show, for those of you who care. There are tons of COPS episodes. There should be an all COPS channel. If I want to see a fat, black, low-income person being tazed there should be a channel I can turn to for that all day, every day with no commercial interruption. Someone get on that.
I started going places by myself just to leave the house. I went to Jimmy John's for sandwiches. I got a plastic cup there with a bunch of company slogans on it. One of them is “Our delivery drivers are so fast, you'll think they're Russian.” I'm still trying to decide what that means. It could be an obvious pun like, Russian = rushin'. Or maybe, it has a deeper, more sinister meaning.
Then I went to Office Depot and bought a HUGE mouse pad. This thing is like Rosie O'donnel's maxi-pad big. It is basically like two regular mouse pads attached for extra horizontal space. The lady at the checkout asked me what I intended to do with it and I told her you can't afford to run out of room when you are wasting cyber-trash. She was a n00b.
On my way home I stopped at Wal-Mart and picked up a bottle of Mountain Dew Game Fuel. I figured with the Master Chief on the package it has to be good, right? Eh. It's better than Mountain Dew Code Red, which tastes like Benedril, and it's way better than Diet Mountain Dew, which tastes like someone peed in regular Mountain Dew. It is nowhere near the awesomeness of regular Mountain Dew or His sacred prophet most high, Mountain Dew Pitch Black, which will return before the final judgment in accordance with the prophecies.
When I got home, I watched Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. Then I tried to extract my eyeballs using a butterfly knife. I'm not sure which was more entertaining.
All in all, I ended up playing Rogue Leader most of the time without intarnetz. I managed to get silver and gold medals in every level. Then I got the intarnetz back and learned that it is possible to upgrade your ships in Rogue Leader. This means I got silver and gold medals in all of the missions with none of the ship upgrades. Some of the online guides say this is impossible. So there you go. Even gimped and half insane, I'm still a gaming god.
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