Bomba's List is just that: a list. It's not really dumber and certainly not smarter than other lists on the Internet, but it is the only one that is titled "Bomba's List." Also, there are more commas and parenthesis used in my lists. Welcome to Bomba's List.Ever since I was a wee lad, I was interested in getting the best deal. This could be because my family didn't have much money in those days, but the actual reason has to do with my cheapness. From macaroni and cheese and frozen hamburgers to the types of batteries I used to power my toys. Videogames were certainly no different. Since I was a subscriber to Nintendo Power as well as a religious reader of those game cards they used to have a Toys R Us, I felt I was in a great decision to save some serious money and play some great titles (and more of them) at the same time. While in the past this cheapness served me very well, it has also backfired on me badly, leaving me battered and bloody, often questioning my own philosophy. This was harsh stuff, especially for a twelve year old. So join me, dear friends, as we probe the depths of my cheapness to unearth the choicest bits of embarrassment in this installment of Bomba's List.
Case #1: Hydlide - How many of you were Nintendo Power readers back in the day? I can certainly say that those bi-monthly issues gave me invaluable tips, decorated my room, and even kept me warm at night. However, they did not keep me informed. Enter me, 1989, in the videogame isle of Toys R Us. I was standing on the metal shelving, looking at the back of the game cards on the budget priced games. See, at this particular Toy's R Us games under the normal price were kept away from the budget ones, probably to keep down chances of contamination. I was oblivious to this, and was quite content to browse through them, imaging the fun to be had. After all, I had $20 in my back pocket, and the rated reviews and previews of the Nintendo Power staff to guide me in my decisions. What could go wrong, right? I wish I could slap the person who failed to review this game properly, not just for the misinformation, but for the months of pain I endured. See, I could have spent the money on rentals of
good games, but since I didn't and no one else was foolish enough to trade, I was stuck. The endless pain, the humility. Dear God, I'm starting to tear up...
Case #2: King's Knight - Before I start this, I want you to look at the
RFGen page for this game, specifically at the front box shot. See the "Action Adventure" part? The "Square" part? Now, if you happen to own the game (don't lie, there are 163 people who do!) pop it in and watch the attract mode. Notice how the game looks like a character shooter? Yep, me too. See, back in 1991 when I was feeling the aching for a good game, I was drawn in by three things. First, since there was no video of this game available in 1991, there was no way I could know that it was
not an Action/Adventure game. Second, I was so high on Square after playing Final Fantasy I would have cleaned the toilets at their offices just for a snippet of info about any RPG games this company offered. And an Action/Adventure by them? Forget about it. Third, the game was $20, and was thus considered a "cheap" game. Now I know that there is a dedicated following for this game, so I want you to imagine this. Say you are an ignorant child who manages to get a game for a song. By all appearances the game seems to be a Zelda-style game and it happens to be from a company you hold in high esteem. Now imagine playing this game and finding it not to be a Zelda-style game, but a crappy character shooter. Now hit yourself with the game cart several times in the forehead. The explanation you give to your friends and family as to the reason you have a red mark on your head will be more adventure than this game will ever offer you.
Case #3: Random Piles of Atari Clearance Games - Many of you never had to experience this, but some of you did. To those that didn't, let me assure you that the piles of clearance games on the rear endcaps of your favorite store don't compare to what was happening in the middle to late eighties. For the most part many stores never participated in this. You never found the piles of crap in your (well, my) Toys R Us or Children's Palace. You had to visit a grocery store or a department store. My pile of crap was bought at Meijer, a mid western supermarket, that basically sells everything, including videogames. Due to a whole bunch of variables (mostly post gaming crash stuff and Atari mismanagement) there were piles of clearance Atari games found in my local Meijer for a good portion of the eighties. Most of them were either a dollar or less. While I won't be specific (mostly because I don't remember the details), I can say that one of them was
Rubiks Cube for Atari 2600. The dumbest thing? I didn't even own an Atari 2600 until 1996. The only way I could play this game would be to take it to my grandparent's house. The looks Cool Aunt (my gaming aunt) gave me as I polluted her gaming system with that crap. The only saving grace was my own father, who tossed all that junk in the bin where it belongs. It now resides somewhere in the middle of the landfill in Canton, Michigan. Rot in hell.
Case #4: Derek Smart Games - After about 1995 I had access to enough resources to ensure that it would be near impossible to purchase another crap clearance game on accident. Between Funcoland and the Internet (in 1997), I would research every game that appealed to my wallet, regardless of price. There was only one more mistake, but in my defense I blinded by the love - who am I kidding. I am an idiot. In the summer of 2004 I became incredibly nostalgic for Starflight on the Sega Genesis. I bought the game and played it to death, but I wanted more. More specifically, I wanted a modern interpretation of the game. There were a few options, but not one actually felt similar enough to make me interested (save the UrQuan Masters, which I would play months after my Derek Smart debacle ended). I eventually came across YouTube videos for several games by a guy named Derek Smart called Battlecruiser Millennium Gold and Universal Combat for the PC, and both were listed at Gamestop for $20 each. From what I could read there was a good match between these games and Starflight. Open universe? Check. The ability to land on planets? Check. Mining? Check. Resource selling? Check. Threats of violence couldn't keep me away from Gamestop, and I arrived home with my new games and sense of child-like glee. Each game box contained massive, complicated booklets, foldout "Quick" references for commands, and small starmaps. As an experienced PC gamer, I went to the developer's website to locate and download any available patches. I guess the first clue of my fate was the requirement of the games' creator (the a fore mentioned Derek Smart) to first
register to download the patches. Next I read some of the forum posts in the technical support portion and was horrified to see that the creator (again, Smart) was heaping abuse on anyone who dared ask a question. To be succinct the games sucked. Both were released as freeware about four years ago, but I couldn't even recommend those. Better to just slap yourself in the face now, which about as painful and ultimately less damaging (to you and your computer) in the long run.
