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HALO an objective analysis.
Now that Halo 3 has been out for exactly 17 minutes and we've already seen the epic simultaneous ejaculation of approximately 45692984u51 people who have never played a FPS with a mouse before, I thought a completely objective analysis of the series was in order.
But then I realized I'm incapable of being anything close to objective. So here's my dismissive and sardonic overview of the Halo series brimming with witty cynicism.
For a long time, Halo was the only good game on XBOX that wasn't also on PS2 or Gamecube or NES. Then Halo 2 came out and there were TWO good games on XBOX. Of course, this caused a dilemma for people like me who worked in the video game retail business at the time. People couldn't figure out how to put Halo 2 in the system. I had to explain to droves of fatasses, ages 14-29, that the XBOX has a “disc drive” in which you can place other games.
Sadly, I was unable to help the guy who glued the Halo disc into his system. He just kept saying “that part fell out once” over and over. Poor guy.
As it turned out, Halo 2 was actually somewhat inferior to Halo. I'm not sure why, because I never got to play it. Microsoft never ported it to PC, except as a reward for buying their shitty new operating system that people hate even more than their shitty old operating system. They did this for two reasons; A) They need to suck people into their next POSOP (Piece Of Shit Operating System) somehow, and B) Because the first Halo was a massive commercial failure on PC.
Why was Halo PC a massive commercial failure? It's simple. When you take the smartest kid in the retarded class and put him in with normal kids, he looks pretty dumb. What's that Halo? You can wipe yourself? That's my big boy! You're a superstar!
PC gaming is that normal class. Console gaming is kind of like the retarded class, but more ghetto and less intelligent. It's sort of like one of Cincinnati's inner-city schools. It's full of low-income minorities who do crystal meth and leave used condoms on the sidewalk. Halo can easily rocket to the top of the class there.
Half Life 2, stop showing your wee wee to the other boys!
In the world of PC first person shooters, where it's actually possible to do moderately important things like aim your gun, Halo is still the kid at the back of the room who just shit himself. Seriously, what is up with a game where the pistol is a better weapon than the assault rifle? It even has a longer range. What genius made that giant leap of logical ability?
So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.
So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.
So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.
So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.
So, its flaws and the PC port whose mother wishes she had an abortion aside, Halo is still a great console game with cool monsters, a sweet sci-fi story and amazingly creative level design.
Oh, oops. Did I just cut and past the same bland comment about Halo's level designs five times over again? Ah, the irony.
Then, of course, after you run through five or six of the most repetitive levels ever designed, you have to deal with the stock FPS zombie parasite monsters. This is getting ridiculous. These things are everywhere. Doom, Half-Life, Quake; it seems like every FPS on the planet has to try and surprise you with some kind of recycled parasitic monster zombie creatures. I was happy with the covenant. Those guys had personality. Then the Flood came out of nowhere and I realized more than ever I was just playing a Doom clone.
Ultimately, Halo sold so many copies that I ended up with two, and I don't even have an XBOX. Halo 2 sold more. Halo 3 will probably not sell so many. Why? It's on 360. There just aren't enough systems out there to pull the kind of numbers the first two managed, unless people buy extra copies for their summer homes (wink wink, Atari historians).
Since the ending has leaked on Youtube, my prediction is that Halo 3 will flop. People only play first person shooters for the storyline, and now we've already seen how it ends. For the record, (and this is safe to talk about now because the game has been out for 20 minutes already) the ending blows hard. It's like a four hour funeral sequence for the Master Chief. There isn't much else to it. That's pretty gay. It just lacks the kind of subtle character exposition of games like Unreal Tournament and Counterstrike.
Speaking of the Halo 3 release, where are Peter Moore's sweet tats for this one? I thought of a great place he could ink another ringworld logo.
One man. Eight days. One darkened cable LED. Can he make it?
Last week I moved to a new house. Because AOL/Time Warner is the third most evil entity in the world, surpassed only by the Illuminati and Disney, I had to wait a week at my new house for the cable guy to come install the intarnetz. It was worse than Elie Wiesel's worst nightmare.
Outside work, I had to find things to do that didn't involve online connectivity. At first, it sounds easy, then the harsh reality kicks in and begins to eat at your soul. You don't remember what life was like before the intarnetz. It was horrible. I never want to go back. There is no Wikipedia to browse. There is no porn to download. There are no forums to troll. There is no RFGeneration.com - The Classic and Modern Gaming Database to wow your sensations. There is just nothing.
You know that part of the Bible right at the beginning; the part that's named after a Sega console? It's like before that part.
In order to keep myself from going completely insane I blew the dust off my Gamecube and plugged it in. I don't think I've played Gamecube since Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes came out. I happened to have a copy of Rogue Leader chilling in shrink wrap that I was saving for a rainy day, or a multi-tiered Hell of internetless savagery. I also have Halo and Mech Assault unopened and I don't even own an XBOX. Go figure.
So it turns out Rogue Leader is pretty much Rogue Squadron with better graphics. Even most of the levels are the same. It didn't matter. I kept playing it. When I got to something I couldn't figure out I went to my computer to look it up on Gamefaqs -only to remember that Gamefaqs is part of the intarnetz! AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then I tried watching TV. I learned a lot from TV. Did you know that Valtrex can help prevent the spread of genital herpes? Unfortunately, it does not protect against other sexually transmitted diseases. Also, you should avoid taking Valtrex if you have an advanced HIV infection. That's the part that gets me right there. If you have an advanced HIV infection, why are you having sex with people? The answer I came up with was that they already have HIV too, but then why do they care if they get genital herpes? I'm pretty sure that's a drop in the bucket if you already have the gay cancer.
I learned quickly that the only thing worth watching on terrestrial television during the summer months is COPS. Sadly, COPS is only on once a day. This angers me. COPS has been on for like 20 years now. It was the first (and only good) reality show, for those of you who care. There are tons of COPS episodes. There should be an all COPS channel. If I want to see a fat, black, low-income person being tazed there should be a channel I can turn to for that all day, every day with no commercial interruption. Someone get on that.
I started going places by myself just to leave the house. I went to Jimmy John's for sandwiches. I got a plastic cup there with a bunch of company slogans on it. One of them is “Our delivery drivers are so fast, you'll think they're Russian.” I'm still trying to decide what that means. It could be an obvious pun like, Russian = rushin'. Or maybe, it has a deeper, more sinister meaning.
Then I went to Office Depot and bought a HUGE mouse pad. This thing is like Rosie O'donnel's maxi-pad big. It is basically like two regular mouse pads attached for extra horizontal space. The lady at the checkout asked me what I intended to do with it and I told her you can't afford to run out of room when you are wasting cyber-trash. She was a n00b.
On my way home I stopped at Wal-Mart and picked up a bottle of Mountain Dew Game Fuel. I figured with the Master Chief on the package it has to be good, right? Eh. It's better than Mountain Dew Code Red, which tastes like Benedril, and it's way better than Diet Mountain Dew, which tastes like someone peed in regular Mountain Dew. It is nowhere near the awesomeness of regular Mountain Dew or His sacred prophet most high, Mountain Dew Pitch Black, which will return before the final judgment in accordance with the prophecies.
When I got home, I watched Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. Then I tried to extract my eyeballs using a butterfly knife. I'm not sure which was more entertaining.
All in all, I ended up playing Rogue Leader most of the time without intarnetz. I managed to get silver and gold medals in every level. Then I got the intarnetz back and learned that it is possible to upgrade your ships in Rogue Leader. This means I got silver and gold medals in all of the missions with none of the ship upgrades. Some of the online guides say this is impossible. So there you go. Even gimped and half insane, I'm still a gaming god.
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