joke thread

[Ghost Soldier]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida ??"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder a nd screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[TurboGrafxer AKA DCer]

why dont blondes where dresses/skirts in the winter?

they dont want to get chapped lips.

[Duckface]

"Mother, my gaming has gotten me sterile."

"That's sad."

"No, I always wanted to be sterile"

" "

" "

[Ghost Soldier]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant

breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Tynstar]

Nice jokes Ghost Soldier.

[Ghost Soldier]

Nice jokes Ghost Soldier.

Thank's I've picked them up from different sites like jibjab, and joke warehouse

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

What, no original material?

I made this one up when I was like six.

[joke]
*Knock Knock*

Who's there?

Who?

Who Who?

WTF? Is there an owl in there? [/joke]

That's right, I said WTF back when I was six.

[Ghost Soldier]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ..

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that h e had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment wih his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk , sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate! surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I ws performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Doctor wouldn't submit his name

[Ghost Soldier]

Your Zipper is Down
 
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
 
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
 
 This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
 
 He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.
 
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
 
 He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
 
 The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Ghost Soldier]

A womans Schnauzer seems to be getting deaf so she takes him to the veterinarian.  After a thorough examination the vet says the problem is the hair in his ears has become matted.  I will trim it out and he will be fine.  To avoid having this happen again pick up some Nair and use it in his ears every other week.

The next day the woman stops at the drug store and asks the druggist where the Nair is located.

Being the helpful sort he shows her the Nair and follows with a little advise, if you are going to use this under your arms I suggest a little talc afterwards to avoid chaffing.

The woman says, I'm not going to use it under my arms.

To which the druggist says, if you are going to use it on your legs  I suggest using a little lotion afterwards because the Nair drys your skin.

To which the woman replied, I'm not going to use it on my legs.

The perplexed druggist replied, where are you going to use it?

To which the woman says, on my Schnauzer.

To which the druggist replied, in that case I wouldn't ride a bike for a couple of days.

[Ghost Soldier]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

[Ghost Soldier]

I think I've hijacked this thread.  O'well here goes some more


The following 15 police comments were taken from actual Dallas Police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD, Public Relations Officer:

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? "

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!"

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through the records department. "

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And....................THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!

#1. "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."

[Ghost Soldier]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,  are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and  the beech says to the birch,
 "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a  birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker  lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a  tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a  birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies,  "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the  best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Ghost Soldier]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door.

 A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains.The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies,"Yep, my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is becoming very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

Eww