The Diversity of Gamer Breeds

   
The level of enjoyment of any multi-player gaming experience is heavily dependant upon your fellow gamers.  Whether it be teaming with a bud in a co-op couch game of Contra or joining an online bout with hundreds of unnamed souls in Worlds of Warcraft, it still boils down to the same  - are the people you are interacting with cool?

This was never so evident to me after the massacre I stomached during my recent online gaming experience (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2).   Gamers come in all shapes and sizes as well as dispositions.  This mirrors the varied communal landscapes that we respectively reside within.  The diversity of the players truly make the gaming experience, but let's face it - they are those that we would be A-OK to never see or hear from again.

The following pokes a little fun at the each of these types by describing the pros/cons of playing with them.
   

o Pretty affable and easy to get along with
o They are always encouraging even if you suck

Pros

o Their good teamwork can really rock the score
o Sometimes their bantering can be humorous

o Tend to get on your nerves rather quickly
o Talks way too much during a gaming session

Cons

o Can have a self-driven, elitist mentality
o Slow to make a decision - no alpha wolf present

The Overly Charged
a.k.a. The Cry Baby

The Night of the Living Dead
a.k.a. Catatonics 'R Us

o They'll definitely keep the team objective focused
o No question as to what they are thinking/feeling

Pros

o Good team players and receives direction well
o Doesn't clutter the airwaves with useless musings

o Easy to throw off their game with a little goading
o Constant whining is akin to that of a 9 year old

Cons

o Hard to tell if they are even alive and breathing
o They are about as much fun as a 24-hour Dentist

o These achievement whores will carry your team
o Will take 'point' on difficult tasks/objectives

o Goes with the flow - never makes waves
o Open for any variation of the game, at any time

o I Am An Island (they don't really care about you)
o Most are basically egocentrically a-holes

o Sloooow player... this isn't chess holmes!
o Easily loses focus while admiring game scenery

o Always nice hearing a sexy sounding female voice
o Gets imagination thinking it might be Jessica Alba

o This guy is a riot to play with when not puking
o Easy to send in as the sacrificial guinea pig

o Unnecessarily distracts your hard-up teammates
o Jessica Alba is NEVER on the other end of the mic

o Leaves the game every 5 minutes for munchies
o Asks many questions; forgets own name allot

o Juggles multiple team assignments well
o Pretty OK when changing games

o Fun to rile them up - easy target for verbal abuse
o Hmmm... I honestly can't think of anything else

o Usually never knows what the heck is going on
o Spends time dicking around instead of playing

o Always making excuses and blaming others
o Basically they are a pain in the ass

None, unless you are are looking for...
o ...a history lesson on games like PONG
o ...a true Alpha Wolf to make decisions (j/k pups)

None, unless they are your kid and can have them...
o ...fetch your favorite beverage during a session
o ...set you up for life by winning game tourneys

o Leaves game every 5 minutes for the bathroom
o They ARE the 24-Hour dentist
o Basically sum of Cons above, just a bit different

o They don't even have to try to beat you
o You will never be as good as they are at age 10
o Trash talk, show-boating, etc.  Need I go on???

 
What Other Gaming Types Did I Miss??
Which One(s) Would You Consider Yourself?
 

   
Obviously this writing plays upon some common stereotypes and associated personality quirks.  We all have our unique peccadilloes and probably can honestly pick a few of the Pros / Cons from the various types depicted above. Special thanks to the anonymous pictured in the above public domain pictures featured in this article for allowing us to have a little fun.
 

The Online Gaming Leveler
 
The Answer To Being Competitive in Today's Virtual World
 

 
My little brother (age 35) has been pestering me for months to get with the times and pick up a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I was extremely hesitant - getting beat on like a piñata by a group of 'any' year olds is not my idea of a fun time. He promised that I could ease into it with the help of his online posse (team CoDa). I reluctantly agreed and picked up a copy this past weekend.

Once logging in and becoming acquainted with my new 'squad', I have to admit that I was feeling rather stoked! "I love the smell of napalm in the morning...  Smells like...  victory" kept playing over and over in my head. With my newly found confidence, I marched proudly alongside my Band of Brothers onto the virtual battlefield. The action was furious, explosions were breathtaking and the adrenaline rush I experienced was one of the best I have had in quite some time. The end result:

Of course I knew the upcoming verbal assault I was about to endure would dwarf the shellacking that ‘earned’ me those numbers. They did not disappoint – the comments were fired out at a rate to rival the M240 machine gun. My personal favorite: "Dude, no offense, but are you 'special' or something?". After taking my medicine like a man (much like the round after round of head shots I recently absorbed), I quietly exited the PS3 playground to console myself. I am no match at all for today's gamers.
 

 
Being an older gamer (43), I fully accept and understand that I will not be able to master any of the newer titles due to my limited time resources. However, I would like to think that I could at least be somewhat competitive and not be viewed as 'dead money' every time I enter the virtual arena. There has to be a way to level the playing field for the old guard.

I am extremely analytical and attempted to statistically dissect this (a.k.a. my own futility). Here are the results:

 
Statistical Sample Size = 1 (me)

As is clearly evident from the above, I just can not keep up with the ever increasing number of Controller Action Buttons (and associated combos). This button escalation mirrors the expansion of the general obligations and responsibilities in my life. The net result of these two corresponding phenomenon equates to less time for gaming for us old farts. I don't know about you, but being the glutton of punishment every time I venture into an online gaming session is not my Cup o' Joe. Fear not grey beards, a solution does exist - the Online Gaming Leveler (OGL). Here is how it works:

(	Total Hours Gaming Per Week	)	=	OGL
	(Age) X (# of Controller Buttons)

The OGL is a percentage that is used as a multiplier against the maximum level for a certain game statistic (i.e. Health Points).  Basically, this provides a handicap for the less experienced player (blue hairs and casual gamers).  The following table will demonstrate this in action:

I arbitrarily chose 1,000 as the being the Maximum Health Points for the example in the table above.  I used a variety of ages to compare the control group (me) to show how the OGL formula works.  I am sure you will agree that the advantage of having 16.42% more Health Points than the Young Buck would have at least assisted me in being more competitive.  On the other hand, I should give a bit to Da' Old Man since he doesn't play that often and he truly is older than dirt.

This same OGL modifier can be applied to a variety of game statistics to further even the playing field:

• +/- Amount of Gold achieved from victories (Action RPGs)

• +/- Experience gained per kill (RPGs)

• +/- Number of bullets in your standard ammo clip (FPS)

• +/- Rate of speed of incoming objects (all genres)

• +/- Number of Ships\Lives (Shmups)

• +/- Time to make a play call (sports)

Here is what the sample game screenshot would look like with OGL being implemented:

Yes, this article is somewhat of parody and just my way of venting a bit after the trouncing I recently endured.  But then again, go ahead and try out the formula - it does work with most scenarios.  Click Here for the worksheet for you to play around with. 

I am a normal guy.  I don't kid myself thinking I am the sharpest pair of skates on the ice, but on the other hand I know that I am not a dullard (contrary to the comments made after my CoD MF 2 debacle).  I have responsibilities and the like that severely deters the time I can invest in my passion (gaming).  If the OGL system were in place, I might have been a playa this past weekend instead of the beaten farm animal.

But in all honestly, I think my lady friend hit the nail on the head after she read this article prior to being published.  She said that OGL was not really an abbreviation for the Online Gaming Leveler.  It was really just my way of coping with middle age - Old Guy Logic.

I always knew there was something I didn't like about her.
   

Humorous Gaming Lessons:
The Results of Lending

 
Like any other gamer or collector, I take great pride in the preservation of the spoils of war that reside in my Room of Doom. I do not loan out my games to just anyone. I made the unfortunate mistake of including my brother in my extremely limited 'circle of trust'.

Halo: Combat Evolved was our game of choice when it came to head-to head battle. After years of beating on him like a farm animal, I reluctantly lent him my copy to allow him time to refine his skills. Three years later while celebrating my niece's birthday at his home this past month, he presented to me the following:

Brutal, just plain brutal - that is all I have to say about the above picture, though it is still CIB in a somewhat masochistic way.  Of course my brother apologized for the condition, albeit chuckling heavily during the entire time of his 'remorseful' delivery. I present to you now the villains (both of whom reek of guilt), who happened to be sitting just to the right of us during this exchange:

I have to admit that my brother used his time wisely when he basically annexed this game from my collection. We eventually fired this up that evening and I received the beating of a lifetime. The can of 'whop-ass' he released on me dwarfed the abuse that I had once imparted upon him.
 

Lesson 1 --> Don't lend your games out to people who share a household with the villains (or like) pictured above.
Lesson 2 --> Beating on your little brother is always fun. Why risk losing that opportunity and loan him a game?