joke thread

[TurboGrafxer AKA DCer]

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothin she hasnt already been told twice. (i dont believe in hitting women but i love the joke.)

this guy walks into a bar and sees a horse with a jar of money next to it. he inquires to the bartender to find out what its about. 'well,' says the bartender 'if you make him laugh you get the jar of money'. the guy says 'no problem' and wispers into the horses ear. the horse laughs maniacly. he gets his money and leaves. he comes back a week later and the same horse is there with another jar of momey. once again he asks the bartender what its about. bartender says 'if you can make the horse cry the money is yours.' the man asks if he can take the horse into a private room. the bartender agrees. minutes later the man and the horse come out and the horse is crying. the bartender notices its the same guy from last week and asks how he did it. the man explains 'easy. first to get him to laugh i told him my penis was bigger then his. and to make him cry i showed it to him.'

a guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money with a big sign saying "WIN THIS MONEY!". well before he decides to ask about it he decides to first do what he originally came to do, which was get drunk. well into a bottle of whiskey he asks the bartender what he has to do to get the cash. the bartender replies 'well sir all you have to do is 3 easy tasks. 1 - see that bouncer. you gotta knock him out cold with one punch. 2 - see that fat whore over there, you gotta make her orgasm. 3 - i got this rotwieler in the back that needs a tooth pulled. do these and the money is yours.' well off the guy goes. pow one punch to the jaw and the bouncer is out cold. next hes off to the back. all the bartender could hear was the yelping of the rotweiler. out comes the man from the back and boldly says 'where is that fat whore that needs her tooth pulled.'


come on we are all adults here right?
tell the best ones you got. everyone needs a good laugh.

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

What do Micheal Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

Little boys pants, Half-Off

[Ghost Soldier]

What do gay termites eat ?  Woodpeckers

[James]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To get a Mars bar.




Did you get it?

Neither did he.

[Ghost Soldier]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

 The minister fainted.

[James]

Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? I think her name was Reese... erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

A little Ancient Greek playwright joke:

A Greek playwright walks into a tailor shop and shows the tailor his cloak saying.

"Eumenides?"

To which the tailor replies, "Why, Euripides?"


(It's much better when told in person, and generally best told in the classics department of a college)

[James]

Just like this poem:

Si senor, der dago
Forti loris inaro
Demant loris, demam trux
Fulla cowsan ensan dux.


I edited my last post to make it make some sort of sense.

[Ghost Soldier]

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

[TurboGrafxer AKA DCer]

one day a guy with a speech impediment was walking down the street and decided while he was out he would run a few errands. first he went to the candy store. he goes to the clerk and asks, ''do you have any bum?" the clerk is baffled but finally understands, "oh, you mean gum." the speech impediment guy replies 'yeah yeah bum.'
he walks further down the street and goes into the hardware store. he asks the clerk 'excuse me sir, do you have any fuckits?' the clerk is baffled and asks him to repeat. the speech impediment guy says 'water fuckits.' the clerk replies 'sure we have water buckets'.
his next stop was the pet store. he always wanted a pet so he asks the clerk 'do you have any cockandspankits?'. the lady replies 'do you mean cockerspaiels sir' he replies 'yeah yeah cockandspankits.'
so now he is walking down the street. he has his bubble gum, his bucket and his cockerspaniel.
all of a sudden the dog gets loose and runs away. a man is walking past him so he asks him, 'excuse me sir, would you hold my bum and fuckit while i grab my cockandspankit.'

this is another that is best told aloud.

[Izret101]

Its a pun but eh some people think they are jokes...

Stole it from an email:
"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

[TurboGrafxer AKA DCer]

Its a pun but eh some people think they are jokes...

Stole it from an email:
"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

that is clever though.

[Ghost Soldier]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students
:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would
you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back
in
a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And  Dirty Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go
Shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

[Tynstar]

Nice

[Sauza12]

What so you call an Arabic man flying a plane?


A pilot you racist.