joke thread

[Tynstar]

WTF

[Ghost Soldier]

Meaning Of Names

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

[Ghost Soldier]

My Dad is a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to
a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his
collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "
I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy
doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and
answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his
collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I
am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading
his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you
should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar.

[Ghost Soldier]

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKED AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "GE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, ...THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK .

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

[Ghost Soldier]

            Looker!

 

     

     Two men, one young and the other elderly, were pushing their carts down the aisle of a hardware store, when they suddenly collide.   

   

     The older man apologizes saying, "I'm so sorry.  I've been looking for my wife, and I guess I just wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

   

     The younger man replies, "that's okay.  I'm looking for my wife too.  I've been up and down these isles for quite a while now, and I'm starting to get a little desperate!"

   

     The older fellow says, "well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"

   

     The younger guy says, "she's about 25 years old, tall with long blonde hair, blue eyes.....She has nice long legs and she's wearing a pair of white shorts and a small halter top.  What does your wife look like?"

   

     The old man replies, "Never mind.  Let's go look for yours!"

[Tynstar]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. 

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. 

I yelled, "Now, back off!! ...or I'll kick the shit out of ALL of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[Ghost Soldier]

Nice one tyn

[Ghost Soldier]

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are *ssholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.”

[Ghost Soldier]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[logical123]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. 

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. 

I yelled, "Now, back off!! ...or I'll kick the shit out of ALL of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

That is priceless. And I am hereby reviving this thread!!

[Ghost Soldier]

I kept it going for awhile but not too many people submitted jokes.

[logical123]

I got a joke:

I am an idiot. that is all. 

[jamespmt]

what does snoop dog use for his laundry?............

Blee-otch!

Why does snoop dog always carry a umbrella?........

Fo-Drizzle

Stupid i Know.

[Sirgin]

In a murder trial...     

       
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[Mr. Ksoft]

Aha, finally found my old text file of jokes.  Here we go:

---


Two nuns and a bishop were on a motorbike going to church when they crashed into a tree and died. They went up to the gates of heaven, where they were greeted by Saint Peter.

"As you've been religious figures, you're supposed to know your stuff," said the old apostle, " so you must answer a question about the Bible to get into heaven." The first nun stepped forward, and Peter looked at her.
"What was the name of the first man in the Bible?" he asked.
"Easy. It's Adam," said the nun, who was immediately welcomed into heaven.

The second nun stepped up.
"What was the name of the first woman in the Bible?" asked Peter.
"Easy again. Eve," she said, and was welcomed into heaven.

The bishop stepped up.
"Now, because you're a bishop and had a higher position in the clergy than the nuns," said Peter, "this question's going to be more difficult." Peter cleared his throat.
"What did Eve say when she first looked at Adam?"
The bishop stared and stroked his chin thoughfully. "Hmm," he said, "That's a really hard one!"
Peter looked amazed. "Well done, my child! Welcome to heaven!"


---


What's big and green and if it fell out of a tree, it'd kill you?

A pool table.


---


Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: God. (He can assume any form He wants.)


---


A woman went to the doctors one day for a check up. Once she had finished the doctor turned around and said to the woman, "Well, I hope you can get used to lots of sleepless nights and changing nappies!"
The woman replied, "Oh my god, I'm pregnant!"
"Nope, you have bowel cancer."


---


Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as any other ethnic or religous group would take.


---


There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


---


Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. A couple of robins fly over to the ice floe and start basking, having just eaten their fill of worms and such that day. One of the penguins eats the two birds and says to the other penguin, "Mmm...basking robins."


---


George Bush was grateful to be able to sleep in the White House after being elected for a second term. However, something strange happened. On the first night, the ghost of George Washington appeared in his bedroom.

Taking advantage of the chance to speak with the father of the country, Bush asked, "Mr. President, what should I do in my second term to help improve this nation?"

Washington replied, "Set an honest and noble example, as I did."

Later that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared. Once again, Bush sought the historical figure's advice.

"What should I do to improve the country?"

Jefferson answered, "Cut taxes and decrease the size of the government, like I did."

Still later, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared in the room.

"Abe," Bush asked, "what can I do to improve this country?"

Abraham Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."


---


Jesus walks into a hotel, puts two nails on the front desk, and says "put me up for the night."


---


What's the difference between five year olds and dust?
Micheal Jackson doesn't have a pile of dust in his house.


---


Did you hear about the pedophile composer?
He put his piece in A minor.


---


Two blondes walked into a bar.
At least one of them should have seen it.


---


A blonde, a brunette and a red-head walk past a mirror one day and it only lets them past if they say a true statement, but traps them in the mirror of they say a false statement.

The red-head says "I think the sky is blue" and she is allowed to pass.
The brunette says "I think milk is high in Calicum" and she passes.
The blonde says "I think..." and is trapped forever.


---


Q: What's the best thing to do with a Ham Radio?
A: Eat it.


---


A blonde, brunet, and a redhead have applied for a job. First the brunet goes in and answers all the questions corectly. At The last one the employer says," How many d's are in Indiana Jones?" "One", she says. That was th correct answer, so she leaves. The same goes for the redhead. Then the blonde comes in and answers all the questions correctly. "Okay", said the doctor. "How many d's are in Indiana jones? The blonde replies, "Can I have a calculator?" It takes ten minutes, and she finally says,"Thirty-four." "How did you get that answer?" " Simple. Daaa, da-da, da daaa da-da, dum de dum-dum, dum-de dum......"


---


Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


---


A baby crocodile asked to his father: "Daddy, when I grow up...will I have tons of money?"
The dad replied: "Sure, my dear."
So the baby asked again: "And when will that happen?"
So the father replied: "When you turn into a wallet..."


---


3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter approaches them and says that because heaven is getting full, only the man who died the most horrible death could go in. He asked the first man how he died.

"Well, I'd figured my wife had been cheating on me for a while now. So, one day I decided to leave work early to see if I caught anyone. Sure enough, when I got to my apartment, she was already in bed. I went out to the balcony and saw a naked guy hanging off it. I stamped on his feet and he lost his grip, but some bushes cushioned his fall. In a rage, I somehow managed to grab my fridge and throw it down on him. The stress gave me a heart attack and killed me." St. Peter agreed it was a nasty way to die, but he had to ask the other two as well. He went up to the second man.

"I normally have real long lie-ins, so sometimes I don't get up until mid-afternoon. IThe first thing I do is have a shower, then do some exercises on the balcony of my apartment. However, I lost my footing anf fell off. I was able to grabd the balcony below me, but I did lose my towel. Then, some guy comes out and stamps on my hands, sending me to the ground. I landed in some bushes, and before I could get up, I had a fridge crush me!" St. Peter agreed this was also a nasty way to die. He then questioned the third man.

"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, in a fridge..."


---


A pirate walks into a bar, there is a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up at the pirate and says "You know, there's a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate replies, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"


---


...ok, that's it unless you want some bad racist jokes that I also seem to have on hand but would rather not post.