joke thread ???

[RetroYoungen]

Here's a corny one.  And this is how it's told, please don't get on me for "That could never happen!" or any of that.  It's a joke.  It's like anime; don't question it, just let it go.  |D

A couple is expecting a baby, and they get the ultrasound to check the gender of the child and all that good stuff.

Doctor: "It looks like you're going to have a... healthy... baby..."

Mother: "What's wrong?"

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're going to give birth to... a head."

Father: "What?  Just a head?"

Doctor: "Yes, just a head.  But from how it looks here, that head is functioning normally, and it should be a healthy... head..."

The couple leaves, and a few months later their baby is born.  And it's a baby boy.  Head.  It's healthy, and everything is good.  They take him to school, he (kinda) plays with the other kids, and generally lives a happy childhood.

When he turns 21, the father decides to take his boy out for his first drink.  They go to the local pub and he puts his son onto the bar, and tells the bartender it's his birthday, and they'd like a drink.  He had never served a head before, but the bartender shrugs it off and gets the kid a shot.  And as soon as the shot is gulped, all of a sudden, a torso shoots out from under the head!

Father: "What the hell... son!  You're really growing up!"

They get him another drink, and the kid grows a left arm.  Another drink, a right arm.  Two more drinks and the kid's got legs, and since he's a VERY new drinker he's more than a little tanked.  Somehow, he drunkenly wallows out of the bar, and into the middle of the street where he's plowed by a passing big rig.

The moral of the story?  Sometimes you SHOULD quit while you're ahead.

[RetroYoungen]

A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist all walk into Saudi Arabia with fourteen midgets following them...


...

I don't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. |D

[wrldstrman]

guy comes home from work and finds his dearly loved dog lying on he porch not moving.He puts it in the truck and races oFF TO the vets. When he arrives at the vets he tells the vet.  I have had this dog 25 years hes a member of the family see if theres anything you can do..the vet lays the dog on the table and starts to check him over just about then the office cat jumps onto the table walks around the dog several times then leaves..the vet then says man im sorry to tell you but your dogs dead...the guy says ok he was a good dog but i guess its was his time..he then thanked the vet and said how much do i owwe you


































the vet said 1000.00 dollars the guy takes a step back and says 1.000.00 dollars  the vet said yes 50.00 dollars for the office visit and 950.00 for the CAT SCAN

[RetroYoungen]

One time, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

































But how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

[The Metamorphosing Leon]

Good ol' Groucho.



I have some of his stuff saved somewhere....Ah here it is.

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Either the man is dead, or my watch has stopped."

[Pop Culture Portal]

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.