joke thread

[Razor Knuckles]

Whenever someone tells you to should be more PC (politically correct) immediately tell them "Fuck you I use a Mac." Enjoy the look on their face, it will be speechless. 

[Deafens Proner]

[img width=454 height=478]http://i.imgur.com/C0cSQ.jpg[/img]

[Zagnorch]

Why do women fake orgasms?

'Cuz they think we actually care.

[Razor Knuckles]

Whats the best engine ever built? OK I work on cars and I know the truth, but you wont believe me.

The best engine ever built is a pussy.

Why?

Because it remains at constant operating temperature, changes its own oil once a month, can withstand thousands of thrusts in its cylinder from the piston and is self lubricating. Also this engine lasts about 78 years.

Suck on that engineers...

[RetroRage]

Suck on that engineers...

no pun intended right

[RetroRage]

When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way, God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God, with middle breast in hand

She said "What do we do with the useless boob?" and God created Man.

[Deafens Proner]

Game Of Intelligence

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

[Razor Knuckles]

A kid arrives home from school and enters his house. He hears a strange noise coming from his parents bedroom. Out of curiosity he opens the door to find his dad fucking his mom. The dad looks to his son while fucking and says "Yeah I'm fucking your mom, what are you going to do about it?" then the dad just laughs at his son and continues on fucking.

The next day the dad comes home from work and hears a strange noise coming from his sons room. Out of curiosity he opens his sons bedroom door to find his son was fucking his grandma. The son looked to his dad while still fucking and says to his dad "Yeah I'm fucking your mom, not so funny when its your mom now is it?"

[Deafens Proner]

Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard.

One of the blond girls whispers to the other 'Wow, look, it's Charles Darwin!!'

'Are you stupid, he's been dead for over 200 years!' the other blonde replies.

Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says 'Howdy Charles, I haven't seen you for hundreds of years, what have you been up to?'

The first blonde says to the second 'Who's stupid now?'

[Zagnorch]

You want to hear some dirty jokes?

And you want them to be told in the soothing, gentle, lilting tones of the subtly understated Gilbert Gottfried?

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?


You're not gonna like Thursdays.


This is not something that I care to understand or sympathize with!


Not only amusing, but excellent advice!


'Cuz, really, why leave the dog out? That would be wrong!

With an act like this, you start to wonder why AFLAC didn't fire him sooner...

[Deafens Proner]

If you hear a humpback whale then you say something. I'll stop.

[Razor Knuckles]

Mitch Hedberg. I miss this guy, he's one of the best comedians ever.

[Deafens Proner]

[img width=700 height=388]http://i.imgur.com/7vvuT.png?1[/img]

[Zagnorch]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f--king her." 

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?" 

The guy says, "I told you I was sick." 

[Zagnorch]

Here's something you never hear: "If you don't stop sucking my dick, I'm gonna call the police."

God, I miss George Carlin.