RF Generation Message Board

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothin she hasnt already been told twice. (i dont believe in hitting women but i love the joke.)

this guy walks into a bar and sees a horse with a jar of money next to it. he inquires to the bartender to find out what its about. 'well,' says the bartender 'if you make him laugh you get the jar of money'. the guy says 'no problem' and wispers into the horses ear. the horse laughs maniacly. he gets his money and leaves. he comes back a week later and the same horse is there with another jar of momey. once again he asks the bartender what its about. bartender says 'if you can make the horse cry the money is yours.' the man asks if he can take the horse into a private room. the bartender agrees. minutes later the man and the horse come out and the horse is crying. the bartender notices its the same guy from last week and asks how he did it. the man explains 'easy. first to get him to laugh i told him my penis was bigger then his. and to make him cry i showed it to him.'

a guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money with a big sign saying "WIN THIS MONEY!". well before he decides to ask about it he decides to first do what he originally came to do, which was get drunk. well into a bottle of whiskey he asks the bartender what he has to do to get the cash. the bartender replies 'well sir all you have to do is 3 easy tasks. 1 - see that bouncer. you gotta knock him out cold with one punch. 2 - see that fat whore over there, you gotta make her orgasm. 3 - i got this rotwieler in the back that needs a tooth pulled. do these and the money is yours.' well off the guy goes. pow one punch to the jaw and the bouncer is out cold. next hes off to the back. all the bartender could hear was the yelping of the rotweiler. out comes the man from the back and boldly says 'where is that fat whore that needs her tooth pulled.'


come on we are all adults here right?
tell the best ones you got. everyone needs a good laugh.

What do Micheal Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

Little boys pants, Half-Off

:P

What do gay termites eat ?  Woodpeckers

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To get a Mars bar.




Did you get it?

Neither did he.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

 The minister fainted.

Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? I think her name was Reese... erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

A little Ancient Greek playwright joke:

A Greek playwright walks into a tailor shop and shows the tailor his cloak saying.

"Eumenides?"

To which the tailor replies, "Why, Euripides?"


(It's much better when told in person, and generally best told in the classics department of a college)

Just like this poem:

Si senor, der dago
Forti loris inaro
Demant loris, demam trux
Fulla cowsan ensan dux.


I edited my last post to make it make some sort of sense.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

one day a guy with a speech impediment was walking down the street and decided while he was out he would run a few errands. first he went to the candy store. he goes to the clerk and asks, ''do you have any bum?" the clerk is baffled but finally understands, "oh, you mean gum." the speech impediment guy replies 'yeah yeah bum.'
he walks further down the street and goes into the hardware store. he asks the clerk 'excuse me sir, do you have any fuckits?' the clerk is baffled and asks him to repeat. the speech impediment guy says 'water fuckits.' the clerk replies 'sure we have water buckets'.
his next stop was the pet store. he always wanted a pet so he asks the clerk 'do you have any cockandspankits?'. the lady replies 'do you mean cockerspaiels sir' he replies 'yeah yeah cockandspankits.'
so now he is walking down the street. he has his bubble gum, his bucket and his cockerspaniel.
all of a sudden the dog gets loose and runs away. a man is walking past him so he asks him, 'excuse me sir, would you hold my bum and fuckit while i grab my cockandspankit.'

this is another that is best told aloud.

Its a pun but eh some people think they are jokes...

Stole it from an email:
"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

that is clever though.

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students
:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would
you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back
in
a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And  Dirty Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go
Shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

Nice

What so you call an Arabic man flying a plane?


A pilot you racist.

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder a nd screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

why dont blondes where dresses/skirts in the winter?

they dont want to get chapped lips.

"Mother, my gaming has gotten me sterile."

"That's sad."

"No, I always wanted to be sterile"

" :D :D :D :D :D"

" :leo:"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant

breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Nice jokes Ghost Soldier.

Thank's I've picked them up from different sites like jibjab, and joke warehouse

What, no original material?

I made this one up when I was like six.

[joke]
*Knock Knock*

Who's there?

Who?

Who Who?

WTF? Is there an owl in there? [/joke]

That's right, I said WTF back when I was six.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ..

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that h e had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment wih his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk , sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate! surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I ws performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Doctor wouldn't submit his name

Your Zipper is Down
 
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.
 
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
 
 This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
 
 He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.
 
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
 
 He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
 
 The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

A womans Schnauzer seems to be getting deaf so she takes him to the veterinarian.  After a thorough examination the vet says the problem is the hair in his ears has become matted.  I will trim it out and he will be fine.  To avoid having this happen again pick up some Nair and use it in his ears every other week.

The next day the woman stops at the drug store and asks the druggist where the Nair is located.

Being the helpful sort he shows her the Nair and follows with a little advise, if you are going to use this under your arms I suggest a little talc afterwards to avoid chaffing.

The woman says, I'm not going to use it under my arms.

To which the druggist says, if you are going to use it on your legs  I suggest using a little lotion afterwards because the Nair drys your skin.

To which the woman replied, I'm not going to use it on my legs.

The perplexed druggist replied, where are you going to use it?

To which the woman says, on my Schnauzer.

To which the druggist replied, in that case I wouldn't ride a bike for a couple of days.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

I think I've hijacked this thread.  O'well here goes some more


The following 15 police comments were taken from actual Dallas Police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD, Public Relations Officer:

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? "

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!"

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through the records department. "

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And....................THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!

#1. "Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,  are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and  the beech says to the birch,
 "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a  birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker  lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a  tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a  birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies,  "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the  best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door.

 A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains.The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies,"Yep, my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is becoming very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.

Eww

WTF

Meaning Of Names

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

My Dad is a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to
a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his
collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "
I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy
doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and
answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his
collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I
am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading
his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you
should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar.

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKED AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "GE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, ...THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK .

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

            Looker!

 

     

     Two men, one young and the other elderly, were pushing their carts down the aisle of a hardware store, when they suddenly collide.   

   

     The older man apologizes saying, "I'm so sorry.  I've been looking for my wife, and I guess I just wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

   

     The younger man replies, "that's okay.  I'm looking for my wife too.  I've been up and down these isles for quite a while now, and I'm starting to get a little desperate!"

   

     The older fellow says, "well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"

   

     The younger guy says, "she's about 25 years old, tall with long blonde hair, blue eyes.....She has nice long legs and she's wearing a pair of white shorts and a small halter top.  What does your wife look like?"

   

     The old man replies, "Never mind.  Let's go look for yours!"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. 

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. 

I yelled, "Now, back off!! ...or I'll kick the shit out of ALL of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

Nice one tyn

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are *ssholes.�
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!�

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?�

“No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.�

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

That is priceless. And I am hereby reviving this thread!!

I kept it going for awhile but not too many people submitted jokes.

I got a joke:

I am an idiot. that is all.  :P

what does snoop dog use for his laundry?............

Blee-otch!

Why does snoop dog always carry a umbrella?........

Fo-Drizzle

Stupid i Know.

In a murder trial...     

       
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Aha, finally found my old text file of jokes.  Here we go:

---


Two nuns and a bishop were on a motorbike going to church when they crashed into a tree and died. They went up to the gates of heaven, where they were greeted by Saint Peter.

"As you've been religious figures, you're supposed to know your stuff," said the old apostle, " so you must answer a question about the Bible to get into heaven." The first nun stepped forward, and Peter looked at her.
"What was the name of the first man in the Bible?" he asked.
"Easy. It's Adam," said the nun, who was immediately welcomed into heaven.

The second nun stepped up.
"What was the name of the first woman in the Bible?" asked Peter.
"Easy again. Eve," she said, and was welcomed into heaven.

The bishop stepped up.
"Now, because you're a bishop and had a higher position in the clergy than the nuns," said Peter, "this question's going to be more difficult." Peter cleared his throat.
"What did Eve say when she first looked at Adam?"
The bishop stared and stroked his chin thoughfully. "Hmm," he said, "That's a really hard one!"
Peter looked amazed. "Well done, my child! Welcome to heaven!"


---


What's big and green and if it fell out of a tree, it'd kill you?

A pool table.


---


Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: God. (He can assume any form He wants.)


---


A woman went to the doctors one day for a check up. Once she had finished the doctor turned around and said to the woman, "Well, I hope you can get used to lots of sleepless nights and changing nappies!"
The woman replied, "Oh my god, I'm pregnant!"
"Nope, you have bowel cancer."


---


Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as any other ethnic or religous group would take.


---


There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


---


Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. A couple of robins fly over to the ice floe and start basking, having just eaten their fill of worms and such that day. One of the penguins eats the two birds and says to the other penguin, "Mmm...basking robins."


---


George Bush was grateful to be able to sleep in the White House after being elected for a second term. However, something strange happened. On the first night, the ghost of George Washington appeared in his bedroom.

Taking advantage of the chance to speak with the father of the country, Bush asked, "Mr. President, what should I do in my second term to help improve this nation?"

Washington replied, "Set an honest and noble example, as I did."

Later that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared. Once again, Bush sought the historical figure's advice.

"What should I do to improve the country?"

Jefferson answered, "Cut taxes and decrease the size of the government, like I did."

Still later, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared in the room.

"Abe," Bush asked, "what can I do to improve this country?"

Abraham Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."


---


Jesus walks into a hotel, puts two nails on the front desk, and says "put me up for the night."


---


What's the difference between five year olds and dust?
Micheal Jackson doesn't have a pile of dust in his house.


---


Did you hear about the pedophile composer?
He put his piece in A minor.


---


Two blondes walked into a bar.
At least one of them should have seen it.


---


A blonde, a brunette and a red-head walk past a mirror one day and it only lets them past if they say a true statement, but traps them in the mirror of they say a false statement.

The red-head says "I think the sky is blue" and she is allowed to pass.
The brunette says "I think milk is high in Calicum" and she passes.
The blonde says "I think..." and is trapped forever.


---


Q: What's the best thing to do with a Ham Radio?
A: Eat it.


---


A blonde, brunet, and a redhead have applied for a job. First the brunet goes in and answers all the questions corectly. At The last one the employer says," How many d's are in Indiana Jones?" "One", she says. That was th correct answer, so she leaves. The same goes for the redhead. Then the blonde comes in and answers all the questions correctly. "Okay", said the doctor. "How many d's are in Indiana jones? The blonde replies, "Can I have a calculator?" It takes ten minutes, and she finally says,"Thirty-four." "How did you get that answer?" " Simple. Daaa, da-da, da daaa da-da, dum de dum-dum, dum-de dum......"


---


Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


---


A baby crocodile asked to his father: "Daddy, when I grow up...will I have tons of money?"
The dad replied: "Sure, my dear."
So the baby asked again: "And when will that happen?"
So the father replied: "When you turn into a wallet..."


---


3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter approaches them and says that because heaven is getting full, only the man who died the most horrible death could go in. He asked the first man how he died.

"Well, I'd figured my wife had been cheating on me for a while now. So, one day I decided to leave work early to see if I caught anyone. Sure enough, when I got to my apartment, she was already in bed. I went out to the balcony and saw a naked guy hanging off it. I stamped on his feet and he lost his grip, but some bushes cushioned his fall. In a rage, I somehow managed to grab my fridge and throw it down on him. The stress gave me a heart attack and killed me." St. Peter agreed it was a nasty way to die, but he had to ask the other two as well. He went up to the second man.

"I normally have real long lie-ins, so sometimes I don't get up until mid-afternoon. IThe first thing I do is have a shower, then do some exercises on the balcony of my apartment. However, I lost my footing anf fell off. I was able to grabd the balcony below me, but I did lose my towel. Then, some guy comes out and stamps on my hands, sending me to the ground. I landed in some bushes, and before I could get up, I had a fridge crush me!" St. Peter agreed this was also a nasty way to die. He then questioned the third man.

"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, in a fridge..."


---


A pirate walks into a bar, there is a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up at the pirate and says "You know, there's a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate replies, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"


---


...ok, that's it unless you want some bad racist jokes that I also seem to have on hand but would rather not post.

lolz

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN  told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

Great stuff!

Okay, here's one:

What do you get when you cross-breed chicken and corn?
.
.
.
.
Popcorn-Chicken! lulz.

Another one:


Smart Pills:
       
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a farmhouse, and much to his surprise, Barack Obama answers the door. The salesman says, "I was expecting the farmer's daughter." Barack Obama replies, "She's not here. The farm was foreclosed on because of subprime loans that are making a mockery of the American Dream."

[img width=700 height=427]http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicbungeejumping.png[/img]

Oh, that's gross :)

Too gross? It's a joke so it shouldn't be taken serious ;)

But if you want, I can replace it with another one :)

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can't See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers

Q: How like a running back was Darth Vader in Strikes back the Empire?

A: Took Luke's hand-off he did!

[img width=641 height=468]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1v_1_hhWp84/S_Yam57_EyI/AAAAAAAAC-s/xZLMTGN9Svs/s1600/empire-luke-hand-cut-off.PNG[/img]

Mmmmhmmmhmmmhmmhmmm!

A million of them I have!

[img width=680 height=990]http://i.imgur.com/7coTq.gif[/img]

All right, kids, get ready to be pelted with a few cornballs!

You’ll be facepalming so hard at these dumb jokes and lame puns, you’ll suffer a concussion!

And awaaaaay we go:


Imagine if they combined Superman with Magneto! Wouldn’t that be super-neato?

Speakin’ of which: if Superman was the king of lies, wouldn’t his arch-enemy be Lex Truthor?

Didja hear about Darth Vader’s sister, Ella?

My best friend was telling me about his cousin’s love of fudge.
I asked him, “Would you say she’s mental for fudge?”
“You freakin’-a better believe she is,” he replied.
“Does she go to church at all,” I asked.
“Not that I know of,” he responded.
“So she’s not a religious fudge-a-mental-ist, then?”
With a heavy sigh, my friend said, “And you wonder why I never invite you to my parties anymore…”


...and there you have it-- for now.

Boy, if my karma levels weren't in the double-figure negs before, hey sure will be now...

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

The TOP TEN reasons to mail some one a package of poop:

!. To your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend
2. Neighbors pet crapping on your lawn
3. For your mean boss
4. For a salesperson or mechanic that ripped you off
5. A Last minute gift for some one who has everything
6. A gag gift
7. For a rich gloating friend, to knock them down a peg
8. To the teacher that gave your son/daughter a D
9. Some one left you negative feedback on your auction
10. You just don't like them

Top 10 Reasons Why Homer Simpson Should Be the Next President

10. I'm smarter than the last guy.
9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything.
8. Fox News is already on my side.
7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job.
6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions.
5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts.
4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts.
3. My middle name isn't Hussein ... anymore.
2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese.
1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&hl=en&v=bPx6eLDEmsM&gl=US

Whenever someone tells you to should be more PC (politically correct) immediately tell them "Fuck you I use a Mac." Enjoy the look on their face, it will be speechless. 

[img width=454 height=478]http://i.imgur.com/C0cSQ.jpg[/img]

Why do women fake orgasms?

'Cuz they think we actually care.

Whats the best engine ever built? OK I work on cars and I know the truth, but you wont believe me.

The best engine ever built is a pussy.

Why?

Because it remains at constant operating temperature, changes its own oil once a month, can withstand thousands of thrusts in its cylinder from the piston and is self lubricating. Also this engine lasts about 78 years.

Suck on that engineers...

no pun intended right

When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way, God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God, with middle breast in hand

She said "What do we do with the useless boob?" and God created Man.

Game Of Intelligence

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

A kid arrives home from school and enters his house. He hears a strange noise coming from his parents bedroom. Out of curiosity he opens the door to find his dad fucking his mom. The dad looks to his son while fucking and says "Yeah I'm fucking your mom, what are you going to do about it?" then the dad just laughs at his son and continues on fucking.

The next day the dad comes home from work and hears a strange noise coming from his sons room. Out of curiosity he opens his sons bedroom door to find his son was fucking his grandma. The son looked to his dad while still fucking and says to his dad "Yeah I'm fucking your mom, not so funny when its your mom now is it?"

Two blondes are on a train, sitting in a cabin next to an older gentleman who happens to have a long beard.

One of the blond girls whispers to the other 'Wow, look, it's Charles Darwin!!'

'Are you stupid, he's been dead for over 200 years!' the other blonde replies.

Just then, another older man walks into the cabin and says 'Howdy Charles, I haven't seen you for hundreds of years, what have you been up to?'

The first blonde says to the second 'Who's stupid now?'

You want to hear some dirty jokes?

And you want them to be told in the soothing, gentle, lilting tones of the subtly understated Gilbert Gottfried?

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9GO2F9fD0
You're not gonna like Thursdays.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C7cv0MueB0
This is not something that I care to understand or sympathize with!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke2BQSghpXY&feature=relmfu
Not only amusing, but excellent advice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rCNzJcn6w&feature=relmfu
'Cuz, really, why leave the dog out? That would be wrong!

With an act like this, you start to wonder why AFLAC didn't fire him sooner...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rb7eNTmhr8E
If you hear a humpback whale then you say something. I'll stop.

Mitch Hedberg. I miss this guy, he's one of the best comedians ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1-fy35amyM&feature=player_detailpage

[img width=700 height=388]http://i.imgur.com/7vvuT.png?1[/img]

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f--king her."  :affection:

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"  :o

The guy says, "I told you I was sick."  :vomit:

Here's something you never hear: "If you don't stop sucking my dick, I'm gonna call the police."

God, I miss George Carlin.